Frederick Allen Holliday, II PhD from A to Z

Last night I posted a reminder that my late husband Fred's birthday anniversary is approaching and wanted to remind everyone to see a film in his honor on March 31st.  A new friend mentioned it would be nice to know about Fred.  So I could right about him.  I could tell you how much I loved the way he made his hand into a puppet.  I could tell you that Fred could recite the entire Star Wars film from memory.  I recount many soulful and deep things about Fred.  But Fred was funny and irreverent.  I thought you might prefer learning about Fred from Fred.

So thank God for the Facebook note memes clogging status walls February of 2009.  We truly cherish this now.

A-z pass along

by Frederick Holliday on Wednesday, February 4, 2009 at 10:20pm ·

Sorry to you all, but I just can't help myself (though I was able to refrain from tagging my dear wife who has made it quite clear she does NOT like these note-memes). This one is pretty self explanatory. If you do it, have fun. If you don't, how can I stop? Please God I wanna stop!

A
- Available: nope
- Age: 38 (for a little less than two more months)
- Annoyance: Mostly myself
- Animal: dogs
- Actor: Right now, Bruno Ganz

B
- Beer: A fond memeory from my past
- Birthday/Birthplace: March 31, 1970, Cumberland MD
- Best Friends: (historically) Alex Hicks, Greg Holtschneider (though the creep refuses to facebook), Jeff Miller, Chris Meissner
- Body Part on desired sex: brain
- Best feeling in the world: Issac and Freddie laughing together
- Best weather: Warm spring Saturday
- Been in Love: Still am
- Been on stage?: yes, I was a theatre major once upon a time.
- Believe in yourself?: yes and no. mostly no.
- Believe in life on other planets: Of course.
- Believe in miracles: define the term more specifically and I'll answer. I've seen some darn strange things, but they just as easily could have been coincidences.
- Believe in magic: no
- Believe in God: yes, but I've got a lot of questions for him/her
- Believe in Satan: yes
- Believe in Santa: no
- Believe in ghosts/spirits: See my answer to the "miracles" question.
- Believe in evolution: without a damn doubt!

C
- Car: 2004 Chevy Cava-something, I don't know cars. We're buying a new one soon.
- Candy: Twix
- Color: oddly enough, olive green
- Cried in school: Ahahahahahahahahaha (that's for all my undergrad friends out there!)
- Chinese/Mexican: wo fei chang xi.huan zhong.guo fan.le!
- Cake or pie: pumpkin pie is the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet! (Apologies to Donkey)
- Country to visit: Britan or China

D
- Day or Night: Night - better TV
- Dream vehicle: don't really have one
- Dance: not if my life depended on it
- Dance in the rain?: nope
- Do the splits?: are you kindding?

E
- Eggs: Over easy, scrambled, or hard-boiled.
- Eyes: Blue
- Ever failed a class? A few. Most esp. high school geometry where I actually competed to get the lowest grade in the course.
- First crush: Andrea Nofziger (age 2 - 6)
- Full name: Frederick Allen Holliday II
- First thoughts waking up: Are the boys up yet?
- Food: meat, glorious meat.

G
- Greatest Fear: something happening to my boys
- Giver or taker: No comment
- Goals: Find more permanent full time work
- Gum: very very rarely
- Get along with your parents?: very much!
- Good luck charm: Russian bill given to me by the great John Carter Tibbetts!
- The perfect Guy: Weirdly, David Mamet

H
- Hair: all but gone... dammit!
- Height: 5'8"
- Happy: varies
- Holiday: Christmas, though the reason has shifted in the last decade
- How do you want to die: while sleeping
- Health freak?: Not as much as I'd like, though better than I used to be.
- Hate: the inability to value an opinion different from one's own.

I
- Ice Cream: cookies'n'cream
- Instrument: none

J
- Jewelry: Wedding Ring
- Job: Best one in the world!

K
- Kids: 2 great boys!
- Kickboxing or karate: neither
- Keep a journal?: no, my memory's currently pretty good.

L
- Love: Reg, Reg, Reg. She's taught me all I know about it.
- Letter: F (it has so many uses)
- Laughed so hard you cried: Issac: "I not nice. I ANGRY!!!!!!!!"
- Love at first sight: Actually, yeah. It's how I fell for Regina.

M
- Milk flavor: I no longer drink milk
- Movie: Changes from minute-to-minute
- Mooned anyone?: Good God no. That wouldn't be good for anyone!
- Marriage: 15 years last 12/26
- Motion sickness? no
- McD's or BK: FIVE FRIGGIN' GUYS

N
- Number of siblings: two, though we barely speak.
- Number of piercings: none
- Number: 24fps

O
- Overused phrases: Know what I mean?
- One wish: happiness for my boys
- Phobia: Too many to list (highlights: heights, tornados, social situations, small spaces)

P
- Place you'd like to live: NYC - for a little while anyway
- Perfect Pizza: Armands
- Pepsi/Coke: I no longer drink soda

Q
- Quail: Yummy, but a rare meal for me.
- Questionnaires: Revealing and fun. Also: annoying.

R
- Reason to cry: Oh I don't know.. maybe a friggin' broken rib!
- Reality TV: I'd rather take a melon-baller to my eyes!
- Radio Station: WAMU
- Roll your tongue in a circle? Yes.

S
- Song: New Years Day and Don't Change
- Shoe size: 9 1/2
- Salad Dressing: dry please
- Sushi: yuck
- Skipped school: Oh my yes. My undergrad GPA is shameful as a result
- Slept outside: only when I have to
- Seen a dead body? Yes
- Smoked?: Nope
- Skinny dipped?: Nope
- Shower daily?: Yes
- Sing well? Oh no. No no no.
- Stuffed Animals?: When I was a kid I had an entire rep company.
- Single/Group dates: Both
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries, but no damn sugar thank you.

T
- Time for bed: varies, but usually 12 or 1
- Thunderstorms: hate them with the white hot fury of fear
- TV Show: Battlestar Galactica
- Touch your tongue to your nose: Not even close

U
- Unpredictable: you never know.

V
- Vegetable you hate: pickles
- Vegetable you love: lima beans (Yeah, I said it!)
- Vacation spot: For the last 8 years or so, Enid Oklahoma -- the second coolest non-east coast place in the US!

W
- Weakness: disorganization
- When you grow up: When will that finally happen? For the love of God when?
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: Thankfully, none. They're all better than me.
- Who makes you laugh the most: Issac
- Worst feeling: fear. it rules me.
- Wanted to be a model?: Yeah. the "Before" guy.
- Worst weather: Tornado season

X
-X-Rays: Inconclusive. Dammit!

Y
-Year it is now: 2009
-Yellow: A great episode of TALES FROM THE CRYPT directed by Robert Zemekis (SP?)

Z
- Zoo animal: Panda (Go DC!)
- Zodiac sign: Aries... whatever the hell that means

The Littlest Walker

As I painted jacket after jacket in the month of May, my little five-year-old son Isaac waited.

He waited for his snack, he waited to play, he waited for his story time and he just waited.  One day he stood beside me, looking at the painting on a jacket.  He stared at the kitchen that had become a studio.  He was waiting.  “Yes, Isaac?”  I said in a slightly dismissive tone as I blended the colors within an image.

He responded,  “When will you paint my jacket?”  I stopped painting and looked at Isaac asking, “Do you want to join the Gallery?  Do you want to be a walker?  What would be your story?”

He looked at me with his deep blue eyes.  He said, “Well, you can paint a snake because there are snakes in medicine.  Snakes help make anti-venom.  That makes people better if they get bited.  You can paint Doctor Who because he is a doctor and he helps people.  And you can paint some of the other Doctor Who characters  “

And so Isaac joined the Gallery.

This is Isaac Holliday’s Jacket: “Doctor Who in Medicine."

 Isaac has been watching Doctor Who since he was three.  In the Fall of 2008, we watched every episode of the new BBC run as a family.  It was the most joyful time.  We celebrated Freddie’s birthday (Isaac’s older brother) with a Doctor Who party.  We and our friends dressed as the characters for Halloween.  For Christmas, Freddie got a Tardis playset and Isaac got a Cyberman helmet.

And then came January, Daddy was sick and tired.  And Isaac waited for Daddy to play with him.  But Daddy hurt.  In February, Daddy felt worse.  Isaac waited.  In March, we gathered up the family and a bag of Doctor Who action figures, and went to the ER to see why was Daddy suffering so.  Daddy waited, Mommy waited, Freddie waited and Isaac waited for three hours in that beautiful waiting room.  We waited three hours to be sent home with pain medications. 

By the end of the month, Fred would be admitted to that very same hospital and he would never walk again.  Isaac would sit on the floor next to Daddy’s bed playing with toys.  And sometimes Isaac would crawl up into Fred's bed.  He would nestle there carefully within an embrace of arms and IV lines, but Isaac remembers he accidently hurt Daddy with his shoes.  This picture is of that moment.

Isaac didn’t really ask for much.  He just wanted you to hold him.  He would wait for that.

Sometimes, Isaac asks me if Daddy is still dead.  Sometimes, Isaac waits.

I am glad Isaac stopped waiting and started walking.  I bet Daddy is glad too.

Praying with Chuck Denham

I have told you before that as a child I worked at a local flea market in Sapulpa, Oklahoma. It was hard, dirty work, and it made me despise at a very young age any passing fad or craze. You see, every couple years after a fad died the over-abundance of certain products would crowd our stall and be almost impossible to sell. I, to this day, cannot stand termite shoes, Rubik’s cubes or feather earrings. But I truly disliked the many mugs, wall hangings, and decorative pillows emblazoned with the words to “Footprints in the Sand.” As a child, I found distasteful the hokey 1970's imagery of the beach sand and the disappearing footprints next to text written in mass-produced faux calligraphy. I am sure you are familiar with the tale. In it a man walks with God along a beach as the memories of his life pass him by. He notices in his darkest times there is only one set of footprints. He questions God, “Why did you leave me at my saddest moments?” God responds that when there was only one set of footprints that was when God carried him.

As a child, I really did not like “Footprints in the Sand.” In many of the pictures, it seemed like Jesus was carrying the dead- their arms limp and dangling. I did not want to look at this, and I did not want to be carried. Perhaps, as I was young, that memory of being carried, that loss of control or will was too fresh, so I could not accept this image. When I was a child, I spoke as a child; I understood as a child, I thought as a child…

Now, I am often asked "How do you do all that you do? How do you have the energy to balance teaching art, advocacy, blogging, giving speeches, and painting?" Well, I do not do walk alone. I pray, and God gives me the energy to sustain this life.

I remember one point when Fred was in the hospital, when all things within this life seemed so very dark. I remember praying for the peace of God, that it fill me and uplift me. And it did. I remember the moment. I was walking through the hospital cafeteria praying silently when I was filled with the love and light of God. My face was lit with an inner peace and even the hospital workers remarked upon my visage. The footprints artist had gotten it all wrong: when God carries you, you float.

Time has passed, and I no longer burn with this inner fire. I smolder. The journey is long, and I know the spirit is still within. I listen carefully and watch for “God moments.” My sister Esther and I call those moments of divine direction that happen with our lives “God moments.” I listen, I am open to direction, and I know the freedom of putting one’s life in God’s hands. So when I was invited to speak at 2010 CMS QualityNet Conference on December 2 in Baltimore, I said yes.

And that is how I met Chuck Denham.

Do you know Dr. Charles Denham? He is an amazing man. He worked with many cancer patients over the years as he has a background in oncology. He is founder and Chairman of TMIT (Texas Medical Institute of Technology), a non profit driving adoption of patient safety solutions and in this capacity he teamed up with CareFusion and AORN (Association of periOperative Registered Nurses) to produce “Chasing Zero” for the Discovery Channel.

“Chasing Zero” first aired in April of 2010. It stars Dennis Quaid in his new real-life role as a patient’s rights advocate. It is a very strong documentary about patient safety, and it made quite a splash in the world healthcare and patient advocacy. I had seen parts of it before meeting Chuck. I knew about the reason why Dennis Quaid was acting as a spokesman for patient safety as well. I had seen a repeat of his March 2009 appearance on Oprah while Fred was sick in the hospital. I heard him speak about the fateful overdose of his young twins due to a case of look-a-like bottles of blood thinner. The twins were mistakenly given a dose from a 10,000-unit bottle instead of a ten-unit bottle… and it happened twice. The twins did live, but this acted as a wake up call for Dennis, and he decided to help so others would not have to suffer as his family did. Dennis Quaid’s inclusion helped a strong documentary become a must-watch call to action.

Chuck asked me how I had gotten invited to CMS. I couldn’t tell him at that moment as I had forgotten the complete course of events, but now I see clearly.

I spoke before CMS, because on Sunday, May 3, 2009 I worked at Barstons Child’s Play- the toy store. I only worked at the toy store for three days when Fred was sick, and one of those days was May 3. Fifteen minutes before the store closed, Christine Kraft, a long time customer, came in, and I told her about Fred and kidney cancer, and she told me about Twitter, blogging, Health 2.0,and ePatient Dave. After Fred entered hospice, Christine put together a small Health 2.0 get together on May 27, 2009. That day I met Ted Eytan, MD. I would later find out he worked at Clinovations in DC and he would introduce me to Greg Fuller who would pitch patient participation at CMS on November 8. Greg would give them my name.

So on December 2, I spoke before CMS about Fred, patients’ rights, Stephen King, social media, special education, and Cub Scouts. I would tell them that putting the “H” in HIT requires remembering… Holliday, Fred; not the patient in room 6218. After I finished, a slow standing ovation spread through the room. Then Chuck Denham can over to speak with me about how he would like to spread this message far and wide. We spoke briefly, and when he learned we would both be at IHI on December 5, he asked me to film a small piece we could send to clinicians about why it is so very important that patients and caregivers have access to the electronic medical record.

Then Chuck did something very few people have ever done. He asked me how I was feeling, and he really listened to my answer.

I told him that when I paint or speak I go into that gray, sad place, and I walk in darkness for a while, but I come back renewed and refreshed. Chuck told me he has worked with many advocates, and he is concerned. He is concerned about our continual revisiting our deepest sadness, just so we can tell our tale to others. He worries about us and wants help us. So when we were filming on December 5, he asked what is it that helps me and inspires me and what supports me in my sorrow? I looked him in the eye, and I said God does.

So Dr. Charles Denham did something that no other doctor has ever done with me. In all the hospitals we stayed in, no doctor ever reached out and prayed with me.

In the many hospitals Fred stayed in, we were asked during admitting if we would like “a spiritual consultation.” This was asked with all the presence and compassion as the familiar phrase, “Do you want fries with that?” Even at hospice, when the bereavement coordinator spoke to me, she focused on my emotional support system. I told her that God sustains me. She rephrased it to me, “You mean that your belief system helps uphold you.” “No,” I said. “My belief system does not hold uphold me. God enters my soul and gives me peace.”

So, I sat there with Chuck and we prayed, and once again, I felt that wonderful peace of God.

CMS Presentation putting the H in HIT

View more presentations from Regina Holliday

A Gallery Show on November 22nd at Politics and Prose: Showing Mommy’s Art in Daddy’s Library

Did I ever mention Fred was for the most part a stay-at-home dad? Yes, he was an adjunct at three universities and worked part-time at the video store, but otherwise he was with the children. When Isaac was a baby and Fred would have to wile the hours away taking care of an infant, he would often strap Isaac into a front-pact baby carrier and go to Politics and Prose. Politics and Prose was Fred’s favorite store. He would spend hours there. As Isaac grew, Fred would place him first in the backpack, and as time passed, the stroller, and off they would go to Politics and Prose and divide their time between the film section and the mouse hole in the children’s section.

This was Fred and Isaac’s routine for three years. Then in March 2009 Fred became ill. Fred could no longer visit bookstores. I would bring books to him instead. On his birthday, I brought him three books from P&P, and due to his intense pain and his pain medication, he would never finish one of them.

When Fred died in June, we received many letters of sympathy, but one letter I treasure the most came from a P&P bookstore employee. She said how sorry she was that we had lost Fred and recounted all the many times Fred had carried Isaac in her store. I had had no idea that they had spent so much time within the store. While little Freddie was in school and while I worked, Fred and Isaac were surrounded by a maze books in a room filled with a love of knowledge. My eyes filled with tears as read of this vision of a father and son.

While painting the mural 73 cents in July, many staff members came to speak to me about the painting. Even the co-owner Barbara came out a few times to talk about medicine and paint.



When Howard Dean had a book signing at Politics and Prose, he came out to see the mural with one of my friends. When I tell people how to get to the mural 73 cents, I often say you can’t miss it. It is right by Politics and Prose.

So you can image how happy I was to be invited to show my canvas work at Politics and Prose later this month. The canvas work I have done will be displayed in the coffee shop in the basement of P&P from November 19, 2010- January 5, 2011. The opening reception will be Monday, November 22 from 5:00-7:00 pm. I will be showing many pieces about our personal struggle for information during Fred’s cancer journey. I will also show some pieces that comment on social media, open government and Meaningful Use. I hope you can make it.

I am glad I will see Fred’s face again inside of P&P, or as my little Isaac calls the store: Daddy’s Library.